If you practice yoga or meditation you might be familiar with the concept of the ego: that little voice inside you that is the source of so much worry, anxiety and suffering. This voice will always be there but it is possible to quiet it so that it doesn’t have as much impact on your life.
What is the ego?
There are many definitions of the ego but to put it simply: your ego is your sense of personal identity or feelings of self-importance. It helps you to identify your “uniqueness”, to stand up for yourself and to put plans into action.
How the ego works
The ego used to have an important job: it got us all hyped up and aware of our surroundings in case a saber-toothed tiger was lurking around the corner. These days we luckily don’t run into dangers like that anymore but our ego still needs to feel employed and important. Its survival depends on it. Unfortunately this translates to your ego needing to fight and defend itself.
YOUR EGO NEEDS NEGATIVE SITUATIONS
It seems counterintuitive but your ego needs negative situations to arise so it can have something to do, something to worry about or something to change. So if you’re happy and everything is going perfect, your ego will already be looking for an issue to cling to or a drama to create. In other words: your ego feels important and employed when it’s inspiring fear, self-judgement and judgement of others.
YOUR EGO WANTS YOU TO THINK ABOUT THE PAST AND FUTURE
For instance, “if I don’t get this job/promotion/raise then…” or “what if I never…”. But all these future events that your ego is worrying about, don’t exist. The future only exists in your mind. Which means that projecting about these future events and things and worrying about them is a useless waste of your energy. So next time you find yourself projecting or worrying, ask yourself the following question: “can I do anything about this right now?”. If your answer is no then stop worrying. Instead, listen to your breath and allow it to bring you into the moment and go do something that brings you joy. And if your answer is yes then stop worrying and get busy.
The same applies to the past. Your ego loves to keep you trapped there by repeatedly going over old hurts, perceived mistakes and ancient regrets. But what good do these obsessions do? You did the best you could and you’ve learned the lesson (which you have or will apply to future decisions) so now it’s time to move on.
Why should I work on my ego?
Ego is an inescapable part of our lives. We all have it and it will always be there. But ego can turn us into a lesser version of ourselves:
It’s often the main culprit behind your lack of fulfilment and happiness in life
It makes you proud but it can also make you blind to your faults when you’re successful
It dulls your senses and weakens your discernment
It forces you to believe that you are what you are, only in comparison to others.
When failure arrives, ego amplifies its impact and makes the pill of defeat much more difficult to swallow
And last but not least: your ego takes you away from the present moment. Imagine living your whole life thinking about the past and the future, and then realizing at the end that all you ever had was the present moment – but you were too stuck in your head to fully engage your senses, be in the moment and enjoy life and the world around you.
6 strategies to claim your control back
Having an ego is normal so it’s not a matter of killing our ego but we do need to regulate our ego. But how do you claim your power back? There is no one-size-fits-all answer to that question but the following strategies can help you claim your control back and grow as a person.
DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Comparing yourself with others is something that your ego will always do. And once we compare our achievements and past performance with our present or with other people’s achievements, we sometimes fall short. Our ego will punish us for that shortcoming and make us feel useless which can affect our self-worth. But our self-worth is subjective and should never be compared to others. Not comparing ourselves means that we shift our attention on becoming conscious about ourselves and trying to destroy our unconscious habits (such as believing we’re superior and invincible)
ALWAYS STAY A STUDENT
Put yourself in rooms where you’re the least knowledgeable person. Observe and learn. You might get an uncomfortable feeling or you might feel a certain defensiveness when your deeply held assumptions are challenged but do it anyway and let that experience and feeling humble you.
SURRENDER YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL
We are not our jobs, we are not our achievements and we are most definitely not our egos. The second you let your ego control your life, you’ll never feel relaxed or happy. Your ego starts saying “it all must be done my way” – even little things. The solution is to recognize your limits and reaches. Learn to manage yourself and others. It’s just not enough to be smart or right: that’s not how you can grow as a person.
CHOOSE LOVE
This is actually a tip from Gabrielle Bernstein, a spiritual and motivational speaker and best-selling author. She says that whenever you’re afraid, it’s proof that you’ve turned your back on love and chose to have faith in the ego. In her philosophy love is the only emotion and fear is an illusion. As soon as you have a fearful or anxious thought, you should tell yourself “love did not create this thought and so it isn’t real”. Trust me, this really works and you’ll be amazed how solutions suddenly occur to you once you’re no longer trapped in the fear/anxiety loop.
NEVER COMPLAIN
Negativity is the source from which self-disgust, self-hatred and self-sabotage springs – and the ego loves it. Challenge yourself to stop complaining for a week and see what happens. Whenever you feel the urge to have negative thoughts, try to come back to gratitude and positive thoughts and see how life can open up for you. The ego always wants to improve on the current moment. Don’t let it draw you down that path. Breathe. Find something beautiful. And if you need more motivation: start a complaining fund – every time you catch yourself complaining you drop some money into a jar.
WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS: BE GRATEFUL
Maybe you’ve tried all of the above suggestions and find that you begin to get angry. You might start to feel as if all this self-work and self-reflection is pointless and that you should be able to feel, say, eat, think and watch what you like. Know that this is a completely normal reaction: it’s your ego defending itself and throwing up any obstacle it can into your path. You know how a night of indulging can followed by headaches, cravings and bad mood? That is your liver detoxing. The same happens when you start freeing yourself from your ego. All the anger and self-righteousness you begin to feel after starting this process is also a detox. And just like a hangover, all you can do is wait it out and make the best choices you can. So when the anger strikes, grab a pen and a piece of paper and start writing down all the things that you’re grateful for. Start with little things such as the sun coming through your window, matching socks, someone who smiled at you at the grocery store, getting to see the sky every day or simply the fact that you’re not hungry, that your favorite show is on this evening or that you have central heating and you’ll soon notice that you’re unable to stop writing.
©HolisticHappiness2024
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