No. Just two simple letters. But actually saying this word in real life can feel really hard, scary, overwhelming and even complicated. For many of us, saying no doesn’t just feel awkward – it feels wrong. So whenever anyone asks us to do almost anything, we might blurt out “Yes! Sure! Of course! Happy to!” but in reality we may feel the opposite. Maybe we would rather be doing a thousand other things or maybe we’re okay with saying yes but it’s not the best thing for our mental health. But guess what: saying no is a skill you can sharpen. And it’s not just a nice to have skill: it’s a must-have skill. Because whether it’s your physical health, mental health or psychological health: saying no preserves your inner strength and paves the way for holistic wellness.
Why you shouldn’t feel guilty for saying no
For many people, saying no is packed with guilt. Maybe you’re afraid of disappointing someone. Maybe you want to avoid conflict and keep the peace. Maybe you’re anxious to turn down a good friend. Or maybe you’re a people pleaser. But no matter the reasons, learning how to say no is an important skill for your personal health and wellbeing. Your time and energy are precious resources that you should use wisely – and that means you can’t do everything.
In other words: saying no is actually one of the best forms of selfcare. Saying no supports you in creating space in your schedule to rest and recharge, it enables you to engage in activities that actually align with your current goals and last but not least, it helps you to set boundaries with loved ones and colleagues. Ultimately, saying no gives you greater navigation over your life: it gives you the opportunity to build a fulfilling and meaningful life on your own terms.
How to decide when to say no
Sometimes it’s obvious when you need to say no for your own good. For example, you’re asked to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, you’re already overloaded with work, tasks and/or projects or the request crosses your personal boundaries.
Other times it can be a bit of a struggle to make the right decision. If you find yourself in such a situation and you’re not sure how to respond, you can ask yourself the following questions:
Do I have the time and energy to do this?
Will saying yes add value to my life?
What makes saying no important to me?
Does this project, opportunity, request or activity align with my values, beliefs and goals?
Is someone trying to bully or gaslight me?
Will saying yes help or hurt my mental wellbeing?
Am I doing this just to please someone else?
Am I being used?
Will saying yes create more stress or contribute to burnout?
Does saying yes support my goals?
Will saying yes to this prevent me from doing something else that is more important to me?
Am I saying yes just because I am afraid of missing out?
Does something more important require my attention right now?
Do I need time to rest and recharge?
What would need to change about this opportunity to make it a yes?
10 different ways to say no
Knowing why saying no is important is one thing but actually forming the words in real life can be scary and overwhelming. In moments like these, it can be helpful to have some phrases in mind that can be used as substitutes for a simple “no” next time you find yourself backed into a corner:
Sadly, I have something else going on.
I have another commitment.
I wish I was able to.
I’m afraid I can’t.
I don’t have the time for that right now.
I’m honored you asked me but I simply can’t.
Thank you for thinking of me but I’m not able to.
I’m sorry, I’m not able to fit this in.
Unfortunately I already have plans. Maybe next time.
It sounds lovely but no, thank you.
I don’t know if you noticed it but these phrases all have something in common: they’re short, simple and straightforward. And there’s a good reason for that: simply saying no and not going into further detail can help you come across as calmer and more decisive. Of course you can give an explanation if you want to but keep in mind that you don’t necessarily owe someone an explanation about why you’re saying no.
A few helpful tips on how to say no
Learning how to say no can be a lifelong journey so here are some helpful tips on how to say no:
Identify what’s important to you and acknowledge what’s not: if you don’t know where you want to spend your time, you won’t know where you don’t want to spend your time. You have to be clear that you want to say no before you can actually say no with confidence.
Build your no-muscle: learning to say no takes time and practice but the more often you say no, the easier it will become. For example, start with choosing some easy and low-risk situations in which you can practice saying no such as saying no when a waiter offers you dessert or when someone tries to sell you something. Another exercise to help you build your no-muscle is going into a room by yourself, shutting the door and saying no out loud ten times. I know this sounds crazy but trust me, it really helps!
Aim for clarity and simplicity: a wishy-washy answer can make the conversation awkward and confuse the other person. He might think you want him to make another suggestion or that you want to negotiate. In other words: make sure you’re clear with your no so that nobody is left wondering what you’re trying to say.
Express gratitude for being asked: it’s almost never an insult when people make requests of you. They’re asking for your help because they trust you and they believe in your capabilities to help. So thank them for thinking of you or for making the request or invitation – it might help soften the delivery of your no and it shows you care about them.
Be as resolute as they are pushy: some people don’t give up easily. That’s their prerogative. But give yourself permission to be just as pushy as they are. For example, you could say something along the lines of “I know you don’t give up easily – but neither do I. I’m getting better at saying no.”
Be prepared to miss out: maybe you have a hard time saying no because you hate to miss an opportunity. But saying no isn’t a missed opportunity: it’s a tradeoff. You’re saying no to the request but you’re also simultaneously saying yes to something you value more than the request.
Do you have any more tips on how to build your no-muscle? I would love to read them in the comments below!
©HolisticHappiness2024
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