Refusing to engage in a conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable, saying no to requests that you don’t wish to fulfil, taking time out to look after yourself or cancelling a commitment because you feel unwell: these are just a few examples of little rules or guidelines we set for ourselves to protect our energy around others. But these personal boundaries aren’t just essential for healthy relationships with close friends and family: they are one of the highest forms of selfcare.
Without boundaries you can easily and quickly lose yourself in your work and relationships and you can even wind up being exploited or taken advantage of by people who don’t respect you. When you understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries at home, at work or when you’re spending time with your friends, you can also avoid the feelings of resentment, disappointment and anger that build up when your limits have been pushed. Establishing boundaries isn’t always easy though. Fortunately it’s something you can learn so in today’s article I won’t just be talking about the different types of boundaries and how you can tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries but I’ll also share some tips on how to set (and effectively uphold) your own personal boundaries.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits you place around your time, emotions, body and mental health to stay resilient, solid and content with who you are. They establish which behavior you’ll accept from other people and which behavior other people can expect from you. So although they aren’t as clear as a fence, wall or “no trespassing” sign, they do communicate to others what you will and won’t tolerate and they empower you to take charge of your life.
You can set boundaries around personal space, time, emotional energy, mental health, finances and sexuality and you can set these boundaries with your partner, family, friends, coworkers and strangers. Boundaries can also look different in every relationship so it’s perfectly normal to have a mix of boundaries depending on the situation you’re in. For example, you might have strict boundaries at work and more loose ones at home or with your family and friends.
Healthy vs unhealthy boundaries
Boundaries set the groundwork for happy relationships filled with love, trust and respect. We all deserve to feel that way so you shouldn’t accept unhealthy boundaries, no matter how much you care about the other person. But what exactly are these unhealthy boundaries and how can you tell the difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy ones?
To answer this question you need to look at how you feel: healthy boundaries develop mutual respect and create a sense of comfort and safety whereas unhealthy boundaries do the opposite.
SIGNS OF HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
You protect yourself from getting taken advantage of
You own your time
You have high self-esteem and self-respect
You prioritize time for yourself
You only take on responsibilities you can handle – you don’t overcommit yourself
You authentically say no if you don’t have the energy or capacity to do something
You set limits for others without feeling bad
You have a strong sense of identity and direction
You take care of your own problems and understand that you can’t heal other people’s issues for them
SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES
You’re vulnerable to being used or taken advantage of
You overcommit your time to others and leave little time for yourself
You have lower self-esteem and critical inner dialogue
You give a lot of your time to other people
You find yourself constantly overwhelmed with responsibilities and unable to prioritize your own needs
You have a hard time saying no to other people’s requests (even if it’s at the expense of your own wellbeing or personal boundaries)
You feel guilty for expressing boundaries
You change yourself to fit in with different people
You take on other people’s problems as your own
Unhealthy boundaries are also often a tactic of toxic people who aim to control the other person and manipulate them into doing things they don’t want to do. For example, you have a friend that gets overly angry when you are too busy to spend time with them or you have a manager or coworker that doesn’t respect your time off and messages you at all hours of the day.
The different types of boundaries
There are lots of different types of boundaries but the eight common types of boundaries are:
Physical boundaries
Sexual boundaries
Emotional boundaries
Intellectual boundaries
Spiritual boundaries
Financial boundaries
Time boundaries
Non-negotiable boundaries
PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
Physical boundaries are all about safeguarding your personal space, your privacy, your body and your overall personal wellbeing. For example, some people are comfortable with public displays of affection such as hugs, kisses and hand-holding while others prefer not to be touched in public.
Establishing your physical boundaries empowers you to set limits on physical touch and to protect your body and personal space from unwanted intrusion. It helps you to create a safe and comfortable environment for yourself. For example, you can define a comfortable distance that you would like others to maintain when interacting with you. Other physical boundaries include choosing not to consume alcohol.
SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
Sexual boundaries refer to your expectations concerning intimacy. They involve things like protecting your right to consent (no means no), discussing what’s off-limits and expressing your personal preferences for sexual touch and intimacy.
When someone makes inappropriate sexual comments or when they touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, they’re not respecting your sexual boundaries.
EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
Emotional boundaries allow you to create an environment that respects and honors your feelings and thoughts. These boundaries protect you from emotional harm or manipulation and allow you to create a safe space where you can freely express yourself without fear of judgement or rejection.
It’s not always easy to determine when your emotional boundaries are crossed because you have to rely on your own internal alert system. For example, if you come away from a meeting or telephone conversation with friends, family or anyone else feeling depleted, anxious or wound-up, there are probably boundaries being breached.
INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARIES
Intellectual boundaries concern our thoughts, values, ideas and beliefs. For example, your intellectual boundaries aren’t respected when someone dismisses your ideas and opinions. But this works both ways: you can’t expect people to share all of your opinions either – you need to respect their right to hold their own opinions.
Intellectual boundaries can also help you feel more secure: instead of trying to be liked by everyone by agreeing with them, you can remain true to yourself.
SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES
Spiritual boundaries protect your right to embrace the faith or spirituality of your choice and maintain your personal relationship with the divine. They define the limits and parameters around your religious practices, prayers and participation in religious services. Setting spiritual boundaries empowers you to prioritize your spiritual wellbeing and align your actions with your convictions.
FINANCIAL BOUNDARIES
Financial boundaries are all about money. They empower you to make conscious choices that enable you to live within your means, protect your financial resources and foster a healthy relationship with money.
For example, if your friends constantly choose expensive restaurants you may need to set a boundary about what you’re willing to spend. The same goes for coworkers who ask you to join them for lunch.
TIME BOUNDARIES
Time boundaries ensure that you allocate your time based on your priorities and avoid becoming overworked or overwhelmed. For example, you can reserve specific time for spending quality time with your family or for personal activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Setting boundaries around work-related tasks is another example of a time boundary that helps you create a healthy balance between work and personal life.
NON-NEGOTIABLE BOUNDARIES
Certain boundaries should never be compromised. These dealbreakers or non-negotiable boundaries protect you from harm and ensure a safe and healthy environment. They define what is absolutely unacceptable to you and serve as the foundation for your safety, self-respect and overall wellbeing. For example, no tolerance for physical violence or threats, no tolerance for emotional abuse or manipulation, no tolerance for drug or alcohol abuse and/or no tolerance for infidelity or betrayal.
Tips on how to set and effectively uphold your boundaries
Knowing how to set boundaries is one of the most essential social skills. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the most overlooked skills so here are 10 tips and approaches to help you create boundaries and effectively uphold them.
Tip 1: visualize and name your limits
The first and most important step in defining your boundaries is to make them concrete. Boundaries are often confusing and abstract because they feel invisible in our daily lives. However, by visualizing your boundaries and writing them down, you can get much more clarity on where you want to draw the line between you and other people. If this still sounds a little bit too abstract: the following visualization exercise is a great way to get started.
Set aside some time to reflect on the state of your life and ask yourself:
What is causing me unnecessary stress or discomfort?
What do I look forward to each day versus what do I dread?
Who or what gives me energy?
What areas of my life do I feel exhausted by?
What makes me feel safe, supported and valued?
When you’ve finished reflecting on your life, you take a blank piece of paper and you draw a large circle on it. Inside the circle you write everything that makes you feel safe and stress-free. For example: a daily routine, words of affirmation from your partner, hugs from your loved ones, leaving work stress in the office, clear communication from your loved ones, freedom to decide how you spend your free time, saying no to energy vampires and autonomy over your body. On the outside of the circle you write down anything that causes you discomfort, pain, annoyance or emotional exhaustion. These are the people or situations pushing the limits of your boundaries. For example: working after-hours on projects instead of prioritizing your selfcare, family telling you what to do with your life, worrying about what certain people think about you, a friend asking to borrow money, a coworker constantly dumping her relationship problems on you at lunch, your partner controlling who you talk to, acquaintances asking deep or intimate questions about your life. This circle represents a visible manifestation of your limits. It’s time to take anything outside the circle and determine how you can define a boundary that will prevent or eliminate those issues in the future.
Tip 2: openly communicate your boundaries
One of the biggest mistakes people make is setting boundaries in their minds but not openly sharing them with the people in their life. Sometimes people assume that you should know their boundaries but if they didn’t clearly communicate where they’ve drawn the line then how will you know when you’ve overstepped it? So once you know your boundaries, you have to communicate them. The best way to do this is to assertively express your needs in a kind but direct way.
For example:
I can only stay for an hour
If you’re going to be late, please let me know ahead of time
I don’t have the energy to help you with … right now but maybe … can help
I understand you’re having a hard time and I want to be there for you but I don’t have the emotional capacity to listen right now
It makes me feel uncomfortable when you … If you can’t respect my space, I’ll have to leave.
This is not a topic I’m willing to discuss right now.
I don’t find those types of comments funny.
I understand we see things differently and I respect your opinion but please don’t force it on to me.
Please ask me first before borrowing my …
I would appreciate it if you didn’t touch my … (material thing)
I don’t feel comfortable with you posting that on Instagram
I can see you really wanted to get hold of me but the best thing to do is drop me a message and I’ll get back to you when I can (when a friend sends you messages nonstop)
The more precise and direct you can communicate your boundaries, the easier it will be to uphold them. Boundaries are like the “rules” of a relationship. When they’re displayed for all parties involved, it’s much easier to respect them.
Tip 3: reiterate and uphold your boundaries
Not everyone will understand or respect your boundaries the first time. It’s essential to stand firm in your decision while kindly reminding them of your needs when necessary. So if someone doesn’t initially respect your boundary: remind them but stay consistent with your original decision.
Tip 4: take your time
If you don’t have many boundaries right now, the idea of introducing more might seem overwhelming so build them up gradually and allow yourself to take things at a more comfortable pace. This way you’ll also have time to reflect on whether you’re heading in the right direction or if you need to make some tweaks.
Tip 5: don’t be afraid to say no
Honoring your boundaries means that you’ll need to say no to people from time to time. If you’re the sort of person who hates to say no, this might take a bit of practice but give it a try and remember: most people will appreciate your honesty and respect your decision so saying no isn’t as scary as it might sound.
And remember: there’s no reason to feel guilty for your no. To say no is to draw a line in the sand. It’s an expression of courage and selflove. Every yes and no shapes your reality and you have the power to choose how you will spend your time and energy.
Tip 6: put in boundaries straight away
It can be really hard to set boundaries in relationships that are already existing so try to set them early on so that everyone knows where they stand.
Tip 7: you’re only responsible for your thoughts and feelings
Let other people think and feel what they wish – you might not agree with them but that’s OK. Simply agree to disagree and move on.
Tip 8: don’t forget to carve out time for yourself
Boundaries vary depending on the type of relationship but there’s no reason you can’t have some alone time each weekend – even if you live with a partner, have a busy social schedule with friends or are close with your family.
Tip 9: don’t overthink
Not having boundaries can be detrimental to your mental health but going too far and overthinking them can also impact your emotional wellbeing. Don’t forget that we’re quite intuitive as human beings and that we’re actually quite good at navigating most things when we’re going with our gut instinct.
Tip 10: it’s a two way street
Setting your own boundaries is important but it’s equally important to appreciate other people’s boundaries – even if they’re different from your own. Unfortunately there’s no magic science to help you out here so if you’re concerned or unsure whether you’re overstepping someone’s boundaries: just ask. There’s also no harm in taking a moment to think before you act and using your common sense. For example, if your partner hates using social media there’s a good chance that he or she doesn’t want coupled-up selfies plastered across your Instagram or Facebook account. Or in case they don’t want to do something: don’t go pestering them until they cave in.
I know this all might sound a bit overwhelming and the idea of setting (more/new) boundaries can be very scary but believe me: the feeling of relief that comes from setting healthy boundaries in your relationships will make the effort more than worth it!
©HolisticHappiness2024
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